Chapter 16 | The First Taste

[dog_lover]

[ She looks directly at the camera, smiling faintly even if it doesn't reach her eyes. Those eyes are... something else, bright gold, with red circles within that almost seem like they swirl as you look at them, drawing you in. ]

Hello. My name is Makima.

I'm here to help.

Anyone who has issues in controlling themselves. Or controlling their temper. Controlling their sadness. Anyone who's afraid of being overwhelmed or hurt, who doesn't know what to do. Anyone who just wants someone to make things simple and peaceful and easy...

We should talk.

[ Makima can be found in all sorts of places. After all, she doesn't need to be in the treehouse to look down at everyone, to watch over everyone. She sometimes is, because it's a nice view, but just as often, she's in the main common room, smiling sweetly and looking out for any trouble. She wanders into the sick ward just as often to see if there's anyone who might want to make a deal with her there, but she doesn't linger.

When she's not 'working', she'll be found in her room, staring (seemingly) at nothing at all. She's still smiling then, always smiling, but there's something missing in her eyes. That's why she makes sure she's behind a door before she does it.

So she doesn't bring down the mood. ]

[ ooc: Makima is the devil of control and can do all sorts of things with people's minds and memories. She'd be more than happy to erase all your sadness so you can be happy enough to leave. How's that for a way out? ]

Comments

[punched_hitler]

I don't know. I do think that it's tempting. Of course it is.

[There had been a long, long time when he'd desperately wanted nothing more than to just forget how badly he'd treated Bucky. How much he'd messed up. When he'd wished someone could erase his memories. Erase who he was and let him start again.

But,] Freedom doesn't always mean happiness. Honestly, it usually doesn't. And if you were formed from fear, then you must know how afraid some people are of happiness, too.

[dog_lover]

There's a tomato devil. A raw chicken devil.

What people are afraid of isn't a very good metric.

But it's just as easy to try and see things as simple. To say 'truth is best' and 'honesty is freedom'. In practice, I've never found that to be the case.

My truth always led to hatred and unhappiness. My truth led to being a tool or an enemy.

Is your goal to convince me or to make sure people see your arguments and ignore my offer?

[punched_hitler]

No, I know, [he says, softly.] It's never simple. But that's how you see things, too, isn't it? You make it sound like you've categorized yourself, the same as everyone else has.

[He shakes his head.] I just want you to think about what you are offering. That's all.

[dog_lover]

Is there some reason you seem determined to see my questioning your points as disagreeing with you? Or even feeling differently?

I think about what I'm offering. It's a huge part of what I am. And if you don't think I thought about it before I offered, you have a lower opinion of me than I originally assumed.

If you're trying to see if I've considered your points, that's different. But you should say that.

[punched_hitler]

Probably the same reason you think I'm disagreeing with you when I'm only asking if you've thought about things in a different way, [he answers wryly.]

That's all I am trying to do. [To see what she's considered. What she's thinking.] Because I worry that just... taking people's specific pain away the way you suggest isn't going to really make them happy in the long run. Just the short one, and that's not good enough in a place like this.

[Or anywhere, in his mind, but this is a more solid example to start with, he figures.]

[dog_lover]

Do you think the Nurse is looking to make people happy in the long run? Do you think that's what will make people free to leave?

[punched_hitler]

I think if that were really true, people wouldn't get yanked back here all the time even after they're supposedly free to leave.

[dog_lover]

Exactly.

I'm trying to help people leave here. I think that makes it more possible for them to be happy. But I'm not guaranteeing happiness.

[punched_hitler]

No, you're guaranteeing taking parts of them out until they forget what they were sad about.

[It's not accusatory, though. Almost tired. He just doesn't think that's happiness, either. But he can understand why someone might want it. He can.]

[dog_lover]

Exactly.

And I'm explaining things, very clearly. I'm giving people that choice. Freedom means the ability to choose that too. Otherwise, it's just a cage made of morals and their own past as much as anything else.

I won't say 'what good do those sad things do for them?' because I don't know. They do. So if that's more important than their freedom, they can make that choice. If it isn't, they can make a different choice.

And you can make your choice and I won't try to tell you whether you're right or wrong. Because I don't know.

[punched_hitler]

I know - and I can't make people's choices for them. Of course not.

[He shakes his head.] But I still don't think what you're offering is the answer. I guess that's all I wanted to say.

[He doesn't expect to change her mind. He just hopes maybe she might think about it, sometime. Someday. And consider things a little differently.]

[dog_lover]

You'd rather I didn't offer?

Because you want to take me up on it... or because you think the idea of it is terrible?

[punched_hitler]

Neither, necessarily. I don't think the idea is terrible. I just don't think it's fair to the people you're trying to help. Even if you are trying to help.

[He shrugs.] I just never felt that taking the easy way out was the answer, in the end. And I think that this particular easy way out isn't a way out at all. It's a full stop.

[dog_lover]

[ And that's the first time she actually looks angry. Not much. Just a slight shift in her eyes and a tilt to her mouth. ]

And I don't think it's fair that people are stuck here due to a situation that they can't escape with the burden of those memories on their soul.

I don't think it's fair to call this the 'easy' way out when someone will make the most difficult choice in their life to sacrifice one thing to gain another.

And I don't think you have an alternative that's anything more than telling people to suffer until it isn't 'easy' for some invisible benefit you can't even properly define.

If you don't wish to take my offer, you don't have to. I don't see what else there is to say.

[punched_hitler]

I understand that it's difficult. I've seen people give up parts of themselves before.

[Lark did it for him, years ago. He's never forgiven himself for it.

He just thinks there has to be a better way.

But he can't stop her. He knows that, too. He can't make that choice for people. He just hates seeing it offered, knowing the damage it could do.]

Fine. I guess there isn't anything left to say.

[dog_lover]

And people give up parts of themselves all the time. People make choices about what matters to them. Unless you live in paradise, those choices need to be made. And I've been told that paradise isn't possible. That part of what makes someone up is the choices they make.

So shaming people for making them doesn't help them move forward.

Just because it isn't your choice doesn't mean that it shouldn't be a choice. And if someone has the power to offer it and they don't, then they're putting their choices over what someone else might want.

And I'm trying not to do that.

[punched_hitler]

I understand that you think you're giving them a choice. but I've learned that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Part of learning to live with power is knowing when not to use it, or you don't deserve it.

[dog_lover]

[ The staggering paternalism from this human makes her want to not answer. She will say one thing, though. ]

My power is what I am. I am my power. Your point of "I'm not sure you deserve to exist" is not as helpful as you think it is.

[ Now she's done. ]

[punched_hitler]

That wasn’t how I meant it.

Is your power all you want to be?

[dog_lover]

That question is deliberately manipulative. Especially given what I just said.

Is a human all you want to be?

Is a patient all you want to be?

You keep talking about the sanctity of someone's whole self. And then you ask me that.

If someone was made of water and they were trying to figure out how to nurture a plant instead of how to drown someone and your question to help them was 'is water all you want to be'...

Can you see how stupid that is?

[punched_hitler]

There’s a fine line between nurturing and drowning. Maybe I don’t know the difference - do you?

[dog_lover]

You think there's one answer?

[punched_hitler]

Maybe not, but there is at least one.

[dog_lover]

I think there's a lot of answers. So many that trying to decide by myself is unfair. Because every plant's need is different. And drowning them may not be visible even if it's happening.

[punched_hitler]

No, it might not be. Which means if you're trying not to, you have to look deeper than just appearances.